The new year..

The New Year has arrived..

I have to contemplate.. About the past year.. The mistakes I made.. The blessings I recieved.. The pain and betrayal I suffered.. The people who showered their love on me..The sucess i had...

I look forward to the new year with hope.. For moments of love.. The pleasure of sharing..The
strenght to face my challenges..

And what do I wish for all of you..?

:))

For every dream in your heart,
I wish you greater inspiration.

For every hope you seek ,
I wish you unexpectes miracles.

For every opportunity awaiting you,
I wish you an extra chance.

For every challenge you meet,
I wish you a piece of your destiny.

Your greatest aspiration is but the
Begining of all that you have to offer.

So reach beyond yourself...
And let your heart carry you even higher.

-barbara vecqueray

Hmmm true.. Inspiration... Miracles.. Extra chances...all these would be great isnt it...?

:))

Christmas..

The Christmas tree sparkling with shimmering adornments and twinkling lights stand near my gate surrounded by the lush green lawn..

It is past midnight.. my sweethearts are sleeping..the silence is breathtaking....I am sitting in my fav place in my house.. the sitout on the first floor..The crisp chilly air that makes this season so special blows on my cold cheeks and fill my breath with exuberance. I gaze at the silent stars so far off..smiling at me in the mystical moist night air. They tell me that me and my world is just a miniscule bit in the wonder of the vast universe cosmos…

I sigh deeply.. To morrow we leave for Christmas holidays…

Memories fill my heart and make my eyes moist.. Memories of love, laughter and warmth.. .. Those hazy Christmas days.. Long back.. Homemade Stars with a platform for flickering candles.. Branches cut from the huge fir tree in front of the house and decorated with paper ribbons.. Cards.. Balloons..

The unconditional love that was my birthright.. Those beautiful.. Adorable people who are no longer with me.. Valliyappa.. Aminja.. Appachen.. Ammachi.. Chettappan.. Mariamma aunty.. Uncle..( He was just ‘uncle’.. my mom’s only brother.)

The list of loved ones on the other side is increasing as each Christmas pass by..

Thank you all.. For making those Christmas days so special…

New dresses.. Cakes.. Cards.. Stars.. They no longer fill me with joy.. I am too jaded for all that I suppose..

But I still love the Cristmas eve with night lights .. the carols… the laughter and good cheer..

I still love istening to “Silent night..” and “Jingle bells..”

I still love the crisp ..chilly.. misty.. dawn.. The Christmas mass.... Meeting my fav cousins..

I have also started to ponder at the deeper meanings of Christmas..

It is time to quieten our minds.. hearts and souls.. From the rush and routine of our lives..

Time to slow down and ponder where our thoughts, words and actions are taking us..

Time to experience the warmth that fills our hearts as we soak in the love, peace and joy that ‘He’ showers on us.. And gift it to those around us..


Wishing all my sweet friends a ‘HAPPY CHRISTMAS..’
:))

Wishing you all boundless Peace.. Joy.. Hope .. And .. Love…
.

Alone....

Jaya came to me for a certificate of fitness for duty.. She had been absent for nine months and the reason for her absence was ‘back pain’.

A 32 yr old teacher…A slight woman with sorrowful eyes....
“Back pain…? Nine months..? That’s a pretty long period..” I spoke conversationally…as I studied her reports.. “Are you ok now..?”

She hesitated.. “No doc it was not back pain.” she murmured…

“It was due to personal problems.. My hubby doesn’t want me to work…”
“Oh..?” What does he do…?
“He is a business man.. Gravel and sand business.. Has not gone to high school..”
“But u r a graduate..!.” I was surprised..

“It was an arranged marriage.. His family is well off. We had some problem.. My father had a second wife. Money was always a problem…

“So he doesn’t like you working..?”

“Hmmmm… yes.. But he never admits that.. Just finds fault with whatever I do ….. The food is not tasty enough for him.... The house neat enough.. Tells me that I should be a good housewife too .. Not just a good teacher..…”

“Doc, I have to take two buses each in the morninng and evening to the school and back.. I feel so tired in the evenings.. But I never have a peaceful evening.. He picks up a fight for silly reason.. Becomes violent.... Often I have to run to a bedroom and lock the door.. But I have to suffer for that when I come out of the room in the morning.."
"My kids go to bed hungry most nights..Doc, I make it a point to serve them food as soon as they come home from school itself these days..”

Her eyes were moist.

My kids are disturbed..My elder son says he will throw a stone at his fathers head one day.... She started to weep…

Why don’t you consider a separation..? I asked gently..

“He says he will come to the school and insult me there.. In front of my students…’
I would have done something if I had at least one person to support me.”.

“What about your parents..?”

“My father is dead.. My brother is studying in college. My mother says that I should adjust… That I am a woman.. I should forgive and forget… Think about my kid’s future..”

“I sometimes wish that I could die.. She started to cry.. Then I think of my kids…”

“Don’t wait for any outside support..” I told her.. “You can’t live in fear and misery like this. You have to find the resources within yourself… “

“Get the message across strongly that you can’t go on like this.. That you will consider a separation. Unless he starts to treat you with the respect you deserve..”
“Tell your mother that you have taken a decision.. A stand… Tell her you will go ahead even if she doesn’t support you..’

I talked to her for nearly twenty minutes … Maybe I was not being practical.. But I wanted to instill some confidence in her..

I felt disturbed after she had gone…I knew that the spark I had put in her mind wouldn’t be enough for her to break free from her bondage… I wished women got more support.. At least from their parents..

Social status... Social stigma.. Shame.. At the cost of Personal dignity.. Personal freedom…

But then it’s easy for me to preach.. But difficult for her to practice.. Isn’t it..?

Decisions...

She looked at me scornfuly.. Her smile was confident

Anger bubbled up my gut..My head throbbed.. I felt frustrated.

But then it was her choice.. I kept silent..
She had come to me with a history of missed periods.

A smart young woman.. Sharp features.. Hair in a tight ponytail.. Mother of a two yr old girl.. She was a clerk in a bank.

But somehow I failed to connect with her..

Human bonding is important for me..Especialy when I deal with people professionaly. That’s what keeps me going …

Her pregnancy test was positive.

“Hmmm good news..! You are pregnant..!”
I smiled at her.
“Yes. I had expected it”. She was cool.
“ I want an abortion”
“Abortion..?” I was surprised.. “why?”
“I am planning to appear for The Bank Officer’s test.. Have to prepare for it.. Besides that I want only one child.”
“Then why didn’t you go for a permenant sterlisation..? At least you could have taken some temporary precaution..”
‘We use condoms usually.. But once or twice....” she shrugged..

I felt irritated.. I have seen many women like her.. Who are so casual about these things..

“At least go for a sterlisation along with your abortion.” I pressed.
“No.. See.. I don’t know.. I have a girl now.. I may want a boy later..”

She was so cool.. dammnnit..!!

“Maybe this one is a boy..” I hated myself for saying that… Using that to cajole her..

No. I don’t want a child now..” she laughed casualy..

“But repeated abortions can harm your health..” I told her..

She looked at me scornfuly.. her smile was confident.

I knew there was not much I could say.. she would find a gyenecologist who would cook up some indication for an abortion for her..

I felt indignant after she left..she had had least intrest in what I had to tell her.I felt irritated with myself.. for trying to advice her..

I would never undergo an abortion I thought.. The guilt would be terrible..

I Remembered what Rene had told me ..

About four years back.

She had come to me with pain lower abdomen...Mother of two kids.. Lap sterlisation done.. She missed her periods.

The bonding had been instantaneous..

I advised a pregnacy test and A scan to rule out ectopic pregnancy..Failure of lap sterlisation was not unheard of.And her lower abdominal pain was worrying me ..

The cell rang to wake me from my nap tha afternoon ..
It was Rene on the other side..
“Doc.. shall we come to your house now..?” Her voice was tearful..
She knew that I rarely saw patients in my home..
“Ok. Come along..” I soothed..

Her face was flushed as she walked in..I read the reports silently..
Yes she was pregnant.. But thankfuly the pregnancy was Intrauterine not Ectopic..
“Well… You can consider an abortion ..”

I had to offer her that since it was a case of sterlisation failure..Rene started to cry.. Like a child..Then she rubbed her tears away…

“ I will have to have this baby.. I cant consider abortion.. I know it will be difficult to manage..”“But I could never consider an abortion..” she gazed at me tearfuly..

“ I know it will be difficult.. But it will be worth it..” I soothed..
I smiled at her warmly..

The boy is two and a half years old now.. He has started to attend play school..

Two women..Facing almost the same situation .. But the paths they chose were so different..

Who am I to judge..?

I only hope that I will never be in a mental state to consider abortion as an option..

Decisions appear to be difficult sometimes..But certain values that you refuse to give up.. Certain bottom lines you refuse to cross .. can simplify everything..

Later it makes you realise that it was the only path that you could choose..

ITHAKA

ITHAKA

As you set out for Ithaka,
Hope your journey is long,
Full of adventure, full of awakening.
Do not fear the monsters of the old
You will not meet them in your travels
If your thoughts are exalted and remain high’
If authentic passions stirs your mind, body and spirit.
You will not encounter fearful monsters ,
If you don’t carry them within your soul,
If your soul doesn’t set them up in front of you..

Hope your road is a long one.
May there be many summer mornings when,
with what pleasure, what joy,
you enter harbors you're seeing for the first time;
may you stop at Phoenician trading stations
to buy fine things,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
sensual perfume of every kind-
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
and may you visit many Egyptian cities
to learn and go on learning from their scholars.

Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you're destined for.
But don't hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you're old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you've gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.
Ithaka gave you the marvelous journey.
Without her you wouldn't have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.

And if you find her poor, Ithaka won't have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you'll have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.
-Constantine Peter Cavafy

The first version of “Ithaka” was probably written in 1894. Cavafy revised the poem in 1910, and it was first published in 1911. The first English translation was published in 1924, and there have been a number of different translations since then.

Ithaka was the island home of the legendary Greek hero, Odysseus. After his involvement in the Trojan War, Odysseus spent ten years wandering. During these ten years he had adventures, underwent numerous tests of his courage and arrived home a different person.
The narrator, probably a man who traveled a lot addresses either Odysseus, the hero of homers epic poem the odyssey or the reader..

The word ‘Ithaka’ itself serves as a symbol for success, and is used as not only a place but as a sign of achievement and accomplishment.

This poem used to be read to travelers setting out on a long journey ...or as an elegy during funerals..

I wanted to share this poem cos I have found it consoling and reviving as I faced challenges both professional and personal in my life. Especially when I chose to take a road less traveled…

On retrospective analysis I have understood that the fears I had initially, never actually took place..And that my authentic thoughts and passions affected the outcome positively..

I find myself going back to this alluring poem again and again .. And it never fails to fill me with peace..

There is something deeply inspiring about this poem.. It tells us about the importance of having a sense of purpose…but that the pleasures on the way are more important.. That we must be attuned to beauty of each moment.. The pleasures of senses (perfumes) as well as that of the mind..(knowledge)

So now when facing challenges instead of focusing on my fears I have begun to ask the primary question

“What is my Ithaka..”?

Love-6

I decided to leave.
There was no clear-cut reason. I could continue my residency.

But psychiatry no longer mesmerized me.Dr Gidwani no longer inspired me.

The clinician in me preferred to practice evidence based medicine. Scientific, precise, methodical medicine. There were too much obscure factors in psychiatry..

I gave up my dream..

But I kept in touch with Lekha..Off and On..

The new block was inaugurated by the President Of India. Dr Gidwani was awarded Padmasree for his excellent service in psychiatry.

Rajeev continued his delinquent ways.. But he behaved properly with Lekha..He died in an RTA a few years later.

Ullas was never cured completely ..He had spells of sanity.. Lekha always delighted him .. Making him happy gave her deep pleasure.

But the depression recurred. He committed suicide during a bad spell. Dr Gidwani stated that it was common in Major depressive psychosis.

Lekha continued to face life with a determination to be happy at any cost.
A few years later ,She got married again ... To a psychiatrist in the institute..

Dr Gidwani died due to cancer esophagus in ‘Ullas memorial hospital.’. Lekha was the chairperson of the trust which managed the hospital.

We visited Manali this spring.. On the way back I told my husband that I wished to visit the Institute… see Lekha.
.
Lekha was transformed.. Poised.. Confident.. Mother of a six year old girl..

We walked through the enchanting campus. It was blooming.
.
“I am happy now”.. She smiled .

We met Dr Akash, Lekha's husband. A happy go lucky man with huge dimples, twinkling eyes and long unruly hair falling over his forehead.. We talked late into the night.. He kept us in splits with his anecdotes in the institute

He took his job in the right perspective.. I reflected.. Detached.. Balanced.. With a dash of humor..

I was pensive on the way back.
.
“”Mama..! Mama..!” I was startled out of my thoughts by Taj’s voice.. He was rubbing my elbows to attract my attention..
“Yes baby..” I was still thinking about the institute.
.
“Mama ..I want to become a psychiatrist when I grow up.” His huge eyes were ernest..
“Oh..!!” I was startled..
Multitude of emotion racked my body..

“Don’t take him seriously.” my husband laughed..
“Tomorrow he will want to be a fire fighter.”. He smiled at me..

“Hmmm.. true…” I muttered..

I smiled back at him..

P.S Dr Gidwani is still alive… I wrote about his cancer and death out of sheer spite.. and to satisfy Lash..
:))

Love-5

I talked… Lekha listened..

We were walking along the winding path in the campus.

I remembered the scene I had witnessed as I had gone in search of Lekha and Ullas.

Both had been sitting by their favorite window..Lekha was looking out at the lovely garden..Ullas was trying to tie her hair together with a piece of ragged cloth he had torn from his bed sheet..

I finished speaking.. I waited for her response.. Nothing.. She continued to walk. Fast..
I had to strain myself to keep up with her pace.

We must have walked for hours. I noticed that it was getting dark.. It had started to drizzle. But Lekha didn’t seem to notice anything..

I started to panic.

“What if her condition worsened..?” I shouldn’t have asked her choice. As to what she wanted out of the situation.

I could leave the institute.. Take up residency somewhere else.. This was not the end of my world.. I had other choices.. I was more concerned about those two..

My eyes filled.. I gave thanks to my parents.. They had brought me up with proper values.. I wouldn’t cross certain bottom lines..
It was simple.
I would never choose career over guilt..
My choice was clear to me.. To do the best possible for them..

I wanted to know what Lekha’s choice was..

Finally Lekha sat down into a bench.. She sat there.. Her body was bent.. Her face was buried in both her hands..
She was sweating.. Breathing fast..

“ I don’t think I have a choice.” She whispered....
“Now that I am declared fit I can’t stay here..”

“ True.. it was not possible” I thought..

“A huge inheritance awaits me outside.”

“Yes.” I whispered back.

“The trust for the new block shall be operated by me..
I will have an office here..”

“Hmmm.. possible..Dr Gidwani would permit anything for the new block.” I knew.

“I can do my best for Ullas.. The best treatment.. The best care..
I can adopt him.. As my son… “
Her voice broke..

She was silent for some time..

“But Rajeev..? “I prompted..

“I am not bothered..” She replied shortly.

“I have to get a good lawyer.. Pay Rajeev a monthly allowance. As long as he behaves properly......We shall live as husband and wife.. Rajeev’s father will never support him.. He has more confidence in me..”

She was silent again..

“ I know it won’t be easy..” She whispered.. “But I have to..”

I was silent.. I let her words sink in..
Yes Lekha was right.. This was the best option.

Difficult.. But the best..

Lekha was cured.. Only a stable strong mind could take a decision like that..
In fact she was stronger.. More stable than me..

We sat there silently for some more time.. The drizzle had stopped.. The moon shining.. The mist was rising up the valley. A soft breeze played with our hair and silently went away..
We got up to walk back to the institute..

Lekha had made her decision..
Now it was my turn..
(To be continued)

Love-4

Dr Gidwani was the last to know. I was summoned to his room. I turned up dot on time.
He was pacing up and down. His hands were clasped behind his back.

“What is going on between your patients doc?” he was curt.

Nothing sir...” I was trying to dodge..

He stopped pacing and stared at me.. I averted my eyes.

“Listen to me”. His face was expressionless. “Rajeev is under police custody for some criminal case. His father has nominated Lekha as the heiress.” He paused..” Provided she is certified to be fit by a medical board of three psychiatrist. He has also offered to sponsor a new block for the institute if Lekha improves..”

“Medicines won’t be of much use in her case. It’s not a disease only an adjustment problem.. She needs lot of emotional support.. Carry on with your experiment..” He smiled at me.

My heart lifted..! I stared at him.. “ Young lady.. Do your best”.. His tone was warmer..

He looked at his watch.. Signaling that I could take leave..

I thanked him and floated out of the room.. I felt jubilant..!! Excited..!

Days passed Lekha showed definite improvement.. She unfurled gently into a quiet lovely person..

Ullas didn’t show much improvement.. He continued to sit and stare into nowhere while he was alone.. But he was transformed in Lekhas presence.. More smiling.. More interest in his surroundings.. He would answer my queries..

Dr Gidwani nodded at me when I greeted him in the wards.. I was flattered..!

It was raining when I was summoned to Dr Gidwani’s room one afternoon.. I walked in with a spring in my step .. Lekha was ready to face the medical board.. She was perfectly OK.

"Congrats doc..” My Professor beamed at me.

I smiled back at him shyly..

“Rajeev is coming tomorrow to collect Lekha.. She was assessed by the board today.. She is perfect.”.

“Rajeev.?!" I was stunned…".But sir.." I stammered..

“Yes doc..?” His voice was curt..

“Sir, Ullas and Lekha..?”

“Ullas will always be a lunatic.. The prognosis of Major Depressive Psychosis is not good..” he paused.. 'Have you not started to read your text books..?' He was scornful..


“But sir she is so happy with him..”

“Lekha is a married woman.. Her husband is coming to collect his wife.. His father has agreed to give him one more chance.

Now you have one more job.. Convince Lekha to go with her husband.. I don’t want any scenes tomorrow in front of Rajeev’s father.. Remember that he has to be convinced.”

I was devastated..!!

I started to stammer something.. But words wouldn’t come out.. My eyes filled.. There was a lump in my throat.. My breathing quickened..

“Young lady are you a doc or a drama queen..?” His face flushed..

“Now get this straight.... Either follow my instructions... Or be sure that you will never pass out of this institute with a degree in psychiatry.. You are not fit to be one.. You get too much emotionally involved with your patients..”

He signaled that I could leave..

I walked out. I was shaken..

I knew what my options were.. Obey Dr Gidwani , be his godchild.. And face guilt for the rest of my life.. Or reject my dream and try to convince Rajeev’s father about their love..

It then occurred to me that getting involved with Ullas and Lekha had been a great mistake..
(To be continued)

Love-3

In depressed patients there is a deficiency of certain chemicals in the brain.. These 'feel good factors' or endorphins are released in the body after brisk walking, exercise, dancing etc.
But severely depressed patients don’t feel like moving their bodies.

Maybe it was the overenthusiasm of a novice… The idealism of a fresher.. Maybe I wanted to achieve quick results and impress Dr Gidwani.. Maybe the madness around me had rubbed off on me too..
I decided to take Ullas and Lekha the two patients with depression for brisk walking daily..

I introduced them to one another but they didn’t even bother to look at each other.

So off we would go. Along the winding paths in the campus.. On the mountainside.. I would chat to them.. About the birds we saw.. My mom.. My medical school.. My fiancé...
I don’t know if they were listening to me .. They never responded.

After the walk we would sit in my fav spots enjoying the silence..

A month passed.. I hadn’t made any progress..

Then one day something happened.

I was walking a little ahead of them talking non stop. Suddenly I head them giggling..Usualy there was only a complete silence between them..

I was amazed..!

I turned back. They both stared back at me wide eyed and innocent.. The giggling had stopped. Wondering what was going on I turned back and continued to walk
Again the giggling..! I was about to turn back when I felt a tuft of my hair being pulled..!
OMG !!
I was being teased by my mad patients..! What sort of a psychiatrist would I make..?!

I felt furious..!!!.

I turned back and saw Ullas standing just behind me.. He was holding a butterfly in his hand.. Lekha was jumping with joy as he placed the butterfly on her out stretched hand.
Both their faces were glowing. There were stars in their eyes.

I had the breakthrough I wanted!!!

The butterfly flew away but the animation stayed. For the first time I saw a smile on their faces.. For the first time all the three of us were happy together..

I was excited.!!

I started taking them for walks regularly.. I tried to push them together whenever time permitted.

I am guilty.

I was slow to notice the love that bloomed between them..

I never imagined a love of that fervor would develop between them.. I didn’t know that love of that ardor existed.. In novels and movies yes.. But not in real life.. And never among two people didn’t who even know their own names..

Besides that I was too busy.. Clinical meetings.. Ward work.. Presentations..

One morning I was returning to my room after attending to one patient.. It was about 6. Am.I entered the common room to collect some notes I had kept there.

I stood shocked at the sight…

Ullas was sitting with his back on the wall and sleeping.. Lekha was curled up on the ground with her head on his lap. Their hands were clasped loosely even in their drugged sleep..

I should have put an end to it then and there..

I am guilty again..

Maybe I was a romantic fool.. Maybe I thought love would transform them. Maybe I wasn’t tough enough..

I was bewitched by the fervor of their love.. Their anguish on separation.. Their absolute tranquility on being together..

But what was a miracle for me was a joke for the rest of the world.. It was adultery.. It was a mad desire..
Soon I was the laughing stock of the hospital..
(To be continued)

Love-2

The first month was disapointing. Being the junior most resident I just did the paperwork. Writing casesheets, referral letters, dishargecards..Senior docs would call me from the comforts of their homes and give me instructions.. I stayed in the campus day in and day out..

I felt like a clerk in a white coat..

Dr. Giwani hardly acknowledged me. But then that was only what was expected.. I was only the tail end of the white coated peple who followed him during his daily rounds..

The only thing I enjoyed was takng the subdued patients outdoors..They were taken out daily from 3.pm to 6. pm..They were a quiet lot.. I would just observe them and soak up the enchanting nature around me..

I first noted Ullas cos he always seemed to occupy the spots I preferred to sit.. A wooden bench near the pool.. A swing overlooking the valley.. A moss cvered stone beneath a huge tree..Also he would sit near the music system in the common room..He would just sit there staring into nowhere...

A tall slender man with gentle eys and beautiful hands..I knew his history.. An intelligent boy with good accademic records.. he had begun "to lose it" during his graduation years..

Major Depressive Psychosis.. Loss of intrest in surroundings.. withdrawal.. sadness,.. guilt.. worthlessness.. hoplessness.. his deterioration had been slow and steady..
Nothing seeme to exist in his world.. He never responded to the ward boys or the nurses.. I tried to talk to him but there was no reponse.. In everyway he was a dead man walking..

Then Lekha arrived.. she was not a psychiatry patient in the strict sense..

It was just adjustment disorder with depressed mood..Married to the black sheep of a rich business family, she had been tortuerd, abused and beaten up by her husband Rajeev..One night after a big fight he wanted to have sex with her.. She kept pushng him away.. until in a sudden fit of anger she slapped him.. Rajeev had lost his cool and banged her head on the wall... Lekha fell down unconsious and had an abortion..When she came to know about it she cut off from the world and went into a deep internal void..(To be continued)