Raindrops

No raindrop ever falls in the wrong place.

Life..

Let life happen to you. Life is always right. Nothing happens by chance.

Lessons..

‘I don’t know how you manage it.’. My hubby sounded cross.. ‘People instinctively know that they can cheat you..’

I kept silent.. Was it true?

Maybe it was..

‘Don’t take what people say at face value.. And money is something that tempts people.. Always..’

‘Hmmm.. ‘ I nodded my head bent..

The bill had been for 525 rupees. I had no change. So I had given the caretaker a one thousand rupees note.

‘You go there only few days a month.. It’s not as if you know him that well’

‘True..’

‘You should think what is making a person say something.. not just believe it blindly.’

‘Yes. I had believed him.. When he told that he had spent the balance amount and he would pay me back when he got his salary.. I had again kept quiet when he told his salary was not enough but he would himself pay the next month’s bill.

He had come after me each time I walked across the lobby to get into my car.. Apologizing..

‘Ma’m please don’t tell the committee.’ he had begged

I had finally got irritated.

‘Don’t keep talking about it and wasting my time. You pay it next month.’ I had driven off angry with myself..

He had kept quiet after that.. And I had ignored him..

I had gone there the last weekend to see a new caretaker.. The previous one had left..!!

‘You have been cheated.. Don’t trust people like that. If you have to pay 525 you should give only maximum 600’. My hubby repeated ..as if talking to a small child.

‘Hmmm..’ I nodded contritely.

Somehow I had never thought that he would Leave the job and go away like that without paying me the balance.

‘Just learn from it.. Don’t fret over it .’ My hubby felt sorry for me I think.

‘Hmmm..; I nodded.

I could only learn from it and move on.

But I felt a bit disturbed.. I had so blindly trusted him.. It was not a big thing.. Just 475 rupees .. But still.. It was not the amount.. It was the fact that I had been so naive.. That I had been fooled..

Something that was so obvious to my hubby.. I had been blind to it..

Any way I have learned one more lesson.. I consoled myself.

Yes.. I keep learning..

I dedicate this post to all those who have cheated me.

Thank you .. For all the lessons in life..

After all the only mistakes in life are the ones from which we learn nothing.

Take care..

Take care of them..

They are our most prized possessions.. Little bundles of energy.. With capacity to breed.... Millions and million times over..

They can make us stagger with pain ..stark mad with fury..smother us with wretchedness, loathing, and despair..

They can make us face malice with mercy.. defeat with equanimity.. and terror with tranquility

They can make us see the vulgarity in vanity.. hilarity in hypocrisy .. gift in adversities and blessing in betrayals..

They can give us the might of tenderness .. the quietness of absolution.. and the delight of dreams..



They can sweep away the past.. living waters to flow on.. and grace to gush forth..

They can lift us up.. get us going.. and make us soar..

Beyond the the horizons.. beyond the quiet of the clouds..towards staggering light and love..

They are our most prized possessions.. Little bundles of energy.. With capacity to breed.. Millions and million times over..

Yes sweethearts..

Let us take care of our thoughts..
:)

They are out most prized possessions..

Refuge

Choose compassion..Choose happiness...

For ourselves as well as for everyone..

Our refuge is our good nature available for expression..


.

Why?

When two seemingly unrelated events occur simultaneously we at least owe it to ourselves to question 'WHY'

Its all about loving yourself..

I watched the tears streaming down her flushed cheeks..

‘Love you forever!’

Does that sort of love really exist? I wondered.I didnt’t know… Maybe it did..

‘Love you forever..!! You are mine.. Only mine..I want you forever whatever happens.. He told me.. ‘


'I didn’t know ‘whatever’ included his marriage too !'

She started to sob again

‘Sweetheart don’t cry.' I told her. He is not worth it.

Haven’t you heard it? ‘If he is making you cry he is not worth the tears.' I laughed at my own joke.

She continued to sob

Pl don’t cry like this. He is not worth it. I repeated driving in the point.

‘You have your whole life ahead.. Wonderful years.’

‘I cant promise that everything will be fine. Life is not that easy.’

I had taught her many things.. How to French braid her hair.. how to make a mean beef fry .. How to breathe with the wind.. Her mom’s untimely death had made my cousin, her father to put her in my care off and on.. And I loved it.. I definitely needed some female company for a change..

Having only sons. Two football crazy eating machines !!

Personaly I don’t think’ love u 4 ever’ kind of love really exist.. I mean the‘romantic couple’ walking into the sunset holding hands forever sort of love . It’s only a trap of our own romantic dreams.

I wanted to tell her that too.. But no I wouldn’t tell her that. She would have to learn it herself.

Certain things one has to learn by oneself.. Earn it .. as they say in the ads.

‘Life is a roller coaster ride my love.. Its bitchy one day, showering you with blessings the next. ‘‘Go with the flow…The more u resist life, more is your pain.’ I told her.
‘Have courage in yourself. Rejection is a great teacher.. Makes us understand that we can grapple with disappointment and then move on.’

She was listening now , rubbing her swollen eyes.

‘So your Prince charming went back to become the toad .’ I giggled..

‘So what? It has happened to many princesses and they have survived.. I smiled.

Now wash your face, I have a gift for you, its valentine’s day after all na.’

I gave her a DVD. ‘I have recorded two movies in it. Watch both today itself.’ I smiled.


‘Il cal tonight .Tell me who you want to be Clara or Annie.’

She picked up the cell at the first ring itself

'Ya I saw both..I understand..'

Her voice was hoarse. She had cried again I knew..

‘So tell me whom u want to be.’

‘Clara or Annie?

‘Clara.. For sure..' She whispered.

‘Hmmmm .. I knew that.. classy revenge.’ I giggled..

She laughed..

‘Ok sweet heart. Watch Clara.. Again and again’

Goodnight..Happy valentine’s day once more. And Remember.. It’s all about loving yourself..

I switched of the phone and walked to the mirror and smiled at myself....

The DVD had contained two movies . Stories of two diff type of women.. Clara of Padmarajans ‘Thuvanathumbikal ‘who had let go of her lover with a smile and moved on with her life and of Annie of Lenin Rajendrans ‘Chillu’ who had drowned in her misery.

I looked at myself in the mirror …admiring my dark eyes … the soft hair loose on my shoulders...

Yeah it’s all about loving yourself..


‘Happy Valentine’s Day I smiled at myself....

Maybe..

Death stared at me.

Her whole system was failing.. It was obvious.

Death was in the room already.. I could hear it in her rattling breath.. Her clammy skin..Her sunken eyes.

Her gaunt body was struggling to take in the oxygen through the mask.. Her hands and feet were cold and clammy.. But it was the eyes .. The tortured sunken eyes that gazed around.. Beseeching solace.. That struck me with the knowledge....I know that eyes.. seen it before..
I would be certifying her death before sunrise.. I was sure.

I examined her..

Oh I knew her history.. HIV positive.. Her husband had presented it before he passed away.. Leaving her two kids with her. 8yr old girl and six year old boy.

Both kids were HIV negative.... "Thank god..!!" Her brother who was looking after them now proudly told me that. "The kids are negative..!"Even before I asked about it..

She had been on treatment for past two years... But she had developed cancer.. Aggressive type.. Rare in women of 35yrs.. but expected in HIV positive cases.

"We want to take her home .. to Palghat .. now" Her brother told me..

"But how?""Her condition is too bad."

"She wants to see her kids now." Please refer her to a hospital at Palghat.

"But Palghat is too far off.. at least ten hours.. something may happen on the way."

"Yes. But it will happen even if we don't take her."

"But her condition is too bad. She wont survive the long road journey"

"What will you do if something happens on the way?"

"We will take her to some hospital."

"I cant permit it. Her condition is too bad."

" She wants to see her kids ."

"Then bring them here."

"There is no one to bring them."

"We want to take her."

"Well i cant permit it. I will not refer her in this condition. You get disharged against medical advice." I said walking off.

I wouldnt be a part to it. what if something happened on the way. our hospital and I could be blamed.. these were sensitive issues..

Me the woman and mom could understand them but me the doc couldnt support it.

They left.

I prayed that she should see her kids.. Nothing should happen on the way..

But she was sinking.. i knew it..

Ragini died half an hour before they reached home.

She couldn't see her kids.

Maybe I shouldn't have discharged her against medical advice.. Maybe I should have refered her.. In a fully equipped ambulance with nurse accompanying them .. .There had been no resources for all that..But maybe I should have tried harder and somehow done it..

Maybe then she would have survived half an hour more.. and she would have seen her kids..

I dont know..

Maybe..

Some people walk in the rain.. others just get wet.

My sweet little honey bee..

I don’t know what was it that woke me up.. I sat up in the bed and checked the time.

04.05

Oooooh..!!

‘ I needed bit more sleep..!!!’

I snuggled back ..Tossing and turning.. Trying to relax..

But no.. I couldn’t..

Something niggled at the back of my mind.

I raised the curtain and peered out of the window. There was nothing.. Only the pre dawn darkness outside..

Oh yes..! I remembered..

It must have been the mild worry of Gautam’s trip

My son’s first trip alone...to Malayatoor Church and back. I checked the time again his train would be leaving soon.. He would get down at Angamaly. Find a bus to Malayattor.. Climb the hill alone.. Pray at the St. Thomas church and return.

He would be back only at ten night..

He had already slept last night when I reached home..

Your money for the trip is on the table.. I has whispered and he had nodded sleepily without opening his eyes lest his sleep be disturbed.

The mom in me had to call him. Even though he had told me not to.

‘Yes?’ He sounded grouchy

‘Where are you?’

‘On the second platform.’

‘Has the train come?’

‘No. Announced’

‘Don’t let your bag out of your sight.’

‘Ok’.

‘Don’t talk to strangers.’

‘Ok.’

‘I’ll call in between’

‘No don’t call.’

‘Ok then sms me or miss cal me if there is anything’

‘Ok’

‘Edaaa… wish me Happy Birthday’

‘Huh?’

‘You forgot??’

No. Happy birthday. The train is coming. Bye’

‘Hmmm. Boys..!!’

‘It is in such moments I wish I had a girl.. ‘

I couldn’t sleep again.

Self pity washed over me.

Hubby was in some happy dreamland..

I decided to get up.. Could do with some quiet time in the silent house.. Some self reflection.. Some time to pray.. A leisurely cup of tea.. I walked downstairs.. Taj was also sleeping.. grateful for one day without his morning tuition.

‘Hmmm..’

The light was left on in the dining room… he must have forgotten to off it in the hurry..

I walked into the kitchen.. ‘Earl gray tea today’ I told myself..

I made a pot. Set a tray with my fav linen , cup and saucer and a plate of cookies.

Yes!!! Happy birthday to me…!!!

I walked into the lighted dining hall singing ‘Happy birthday to you Anu…!!!’

I stopped in my track

On the table was a gift wrapped parcel..!

On the top of it an envelope

I took the envelope first

On it Gautam has scrawled..

“To my mother who is always an eight year old girl at heart.

You are so special , your birthday happens to be mother’s day”

I opened the envelope inside it was a card with a smiling honey bee prancing around flowers . I read.

"This sweet little honey bee is here to tell you mom that you make our home a special place to come back to always.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.”

I opened the parcel.

Inside it was a teddy with an adoring smile and a huge pink heart with ‘MUM’ embroidered across it !!!

My eyes moistened.. I dialed his no: .. No he had told me not to call during his first adventure trip alone.. I texted instead.

THANK YOU SWEET HEART..!!