Delusions..

The girl was in bed most of the time. She was not clearing her exams. She was not talking much.. Eating much.. Not sleeping much either..

I requested her parents to wait outside. I needed to talk to her alone.

‘Tell me Jamie..? What is your problem ?’

She stared back.. blankly.
.
Her face looked puffy and pale.. The eyes dull..

‘Tell m.’ I repeated.. smiling cajolingly.

The blank stare again..

‘Jaime are you afraid of something some body? Worried?’

‘No.. Its not fear.’

Then?

I knew it was not anxiety.. her expression was too dull for that. I was just poking around. Trying to instill some response in her.

‘Err.. Hmmm.. Thoughts keep coming..’

;Thoughts?’

‘I keep getting these thoughts..’

‘What thoughts?’

‘About one person.. I love one person’

‘Love..?! Great...!!

I smiled sweetly
.
‘What does he do?’

‘He is a teacher.’

‘He loves you too?’

‘Yes.’

Yes.. She believed it. Her eyes told me so.

‘So what’s the problem?’

She glanced at the closed door

‘He is a Hindu..My parents don’t agree.’

‘Hmm.. ‘ I nodded..’So tell me more about him’

‘He is a teacher

Where does he live? How u met him ?’

‘He gave me tuitions’

‘Hmmm..’

‘And’

‘Yes?’

‘He is married ‘

‘And he loves you?’

‘Yes.’

I looked at her dull and washed out churidar . Her cotton shawl was crumpled

‘He wants to marry you ?’

‘Yes. But he will not tell that.’

‘Why?’

‘That’s the understanding between us.’

‘Understanding?’

‘Yes. When he says I don’t love you he means‘ I love you’

‘Oh…!’

‘And when he says I must not call him he means I must keep calling.’

‘Hmmm..’.

‘Any kids?’

‘Yes. Two girls’

‘He loves you..? He wants to marry you…?’

‘Yes.’

The blank stare again.

‘Ok. Call your parents... and Jaime please waits outside’

‘Your daughter suffers from delusions..She needs psychiatric evaluation.’

‘Delusion ?’

‘Yes…fixed false belief. typically occur in neurological or mental illness’



‘Oh..!They stared back at me.’


‘The false belief is firmly sustained despite what almost everybody else believes.. despite obvious proof or evidence to the contrary’

Some patients belive that their spouse is having an affair.. some that their neighbours are harming them …some that their co workers have ganged up against them ‘

‘They will not belive belive that even if you try to convince them. They suffer a lot of agony thinking its true.’.

‘Your daughter belives that a married man wants to marry her.’
.
‘Yes we know.. he is also upset because of it.’

‘We took her to a priest for counselling..’

‘No counselling will not help now..’
‘Her delusionsWill start to break down after six to eight weeks of treatment.. Then conselling may help.’

‘Till then don’t support her views or tell her she is wrong.. it will only aggravate her distress.. just be neutral..’
I refered Jamie to a psychiatrist.. Ifelt disturbed the whole day.. I could imagine her pain.. her despair..

Do you know anyone with fixed beliefs that’s obviously wrong to everyone else.. ?

Do you feel that you reach a dead end ..a blank wall when you talk to them….? Don’t just get frustrated.. consider if it could be delusions.

Delusions have wrecked my friend’s life.. Proper treatment at the right time could have prevented it..

That’s why I wrote this post..

Fading 2007..

The New Year is arriving..

Last year was a good one.

Lots of love and laughter shared.

Good health.. Good boss.. The two things we have least control upon.

:))

I feel blessed. Let me thank for my countless blessings

Let me move on with hope in my heart. Cocooned and safe in the unconditional divine love that is my birthright

Praying for the strength and wisdom to make the right decisions.

For the grace to see goodness in everything
Gautam will be completing his plus two. Hope and pray that his hopes and dreams come true..

WISHING YOU ALL A WONDERFUL YEAR AHEAD..

PS. Thats the pic of Palayam Church taken today at dusk..

my blog was reviewed

http://avidblogreader.wordpress.com/2007/12/06/hope-and-love-blog-review/

Hope And Love’ - Blog ReviewDecember 6, 2007 — Ishq

Hope and love are not the only things, what this amazing lady ‘Anu’ from God’s own country offers to all in her blog ‘Hope and Love‘. It has all the human emotions that a lady can sustain. A doctor by profession pens down her medical encounters and peronal get-a-alongs with absolute charm and uncomparable mixture of reality and philosophy. Most of the author’s blog entries are her trysts with her patients but when it surfaces from a women who has such an ability to put life into each words it touches the inner core of your soul. There are a few blog entries which sent shivers down my spine. Though most of the blog entries are mentionable, the ones which cannot be missed are ’Pandora’s Box’ and one without a title posted on ‘Wednesday, May 30, 2007′. I am impressed the way by which simple relationships and day to today events interpreted with such soulful thinking by the author. The art of writing the personal incidences in form of a story is worth praising. Each entry has a picture corresponding to the titles of the blog entries.
The blog has a dull theme and the appearance is not upto the quality of the writing in the blog entries. The blog does not attract the the visitors until they read the blog entries. The navigation of the blog is simple and similar to other ‘blogger’ themes. The blog started in February of 2005 and has more than 60 wonderful instances to read to your heart’s content. There has not been much activity on the blog recently. The last blog entry was on Nov’24 2007 when I reviewed the blog. I go ahead and give this wonderful blog a 3.5/5. I would offer a few suggestions to the author of the blog:
use a theme which compliments the content which you are writing and also improve the overall appearance of the blog.
update the ‘about me’ section or provide a link to your orkut profile, people will appreciate the blog more, the more they know about you.

Blood guilt.

‘Pregnant..??’

The stricken eyes gazed at me. The smooth cheeks burned.. The full lips trembled.

“Yes pregnant.. About 6wks”.

‘But.. But we used condoms.. Always..’

She whispered.
‘Condoms are not 100% safe.. Didn’t you know that..?’

‘No.’ She stared back.. Blankly..

‘Well, you are pregnant.’ I repeated allowing the news to sink in.

‘Talk to your boy friend. Get married… Fast..!’

I smiled at her.

Marriage… him..? no..’

‘But you are pregnant.’

She stared back her face pale..

‘But we never discussed marriage..’

‘Never..?!”.Why.’

I was confused.

‘Our paths are different.... Our families will never agree. She wouldn’t look at me.

‘Different religions. Different backgrounds. He is a Muslim’.

‘But.’

‘I was now utterly confused.

'We are lovers. But marriage is out of question. It was made clear from the beginning itself.’

‘We used contraceptives. Always.’

‘So you want to have abortion. .

I felt anger bubbling up my gut.

‘Abortion. ? No. Its murder…’

The lovely face was deathly pale.

'You plan to deliver the baby?'

She was silent her gaze fluttered. She looked trapped. Cornered.

I leaned forwards and rested my hands on the table. ‘Aparna you are pregnant. You can’t wish the problem away. The baby is growing every minute’

‘But we used contraception.’

She murmured to herself

‘Contraceptive failure is always a possibility.’ I repeated.

‘Sex should never take lightly. My tone indicated.

‘Confess to your parents. Shall I call them over here? Give me their no:’ I spoke softly. Gently.

She looked as if she would faint.

‘Take your time. Decide what to do.’

‘But abortion is murder.’ She said to no one in particular.

Don’t take a decision now. Think it over. Tell me tomorrow

I had many more patients waiting.

I watched her as she walked out in a daze.

Smart. Forward..Good looking... Professional. ..Self sufficient.. anyone who saw her would credit her being all that.. on first impression..
'Forward' enough to consider sex without marriage

She was now facing the age old problem.

'Women are women. You should have been more careful.'

I wanted to tell her. But what was the point? The damage was already done. She had already learned it the hard way.

She never came back to me. I don’t know what her decision was..

I sincerely hope it was not abortion.

The easy way out.

Murder.

Bloodguilt.

Peace..

Mr Moorthy died. A few weeks back.

His wife came to see me today. To collect medicines for her sons.

Mr Moorthy was conscious almost till his end. The morning he died , he called both his sons to his bedside.. He hugged them and blessed them. His eyes overflowed.

What pains me deeply is that nothing definite has been arranged regarding the sons.

Who will take care of them once their mother too passes away...?

From what I understood, they had expected her brothers to take care of the two sons after taking whatever property they have. But it was towards his end that they realized that it was not going to work out.

She is now searching for some institution which would take care of them.

I felt so sorry for the old woman. Widowed at 72yrs. With not much education or exposure, she is somehow grappling with her life, alone, burdened by her two sick sons.

I told her to do something as early as possible. To arrange something with the help of her brothers. Meanwhile I would also try to contact a few institutions.

May God help her.

May his soul rest in peace..

PS. I had written about Mr.Moorthy and his special family on March 6, 2005.

Self sufficiency

She kept blabbering something. I couldn’t make out the guttural whisper. I suppressed my nausea as the stench of blood, urine, sweat and tears wafted from her, filling my nose.

One half of her face was swollen. She had multiple contusions all over the body, fractured ribs and bleeding from her ears. The right eye looked grotesque. The pulse was feeble and the BP, not record able.

She was in shock.

I started an I/V line, sutured a gaping lacerated wound on her forehead. A batch of tests, painkillers and antibiotics were advised. Neuro, ENT, Surgical and Opthal consultations were ordered.

No, sedation would have to wait much as I would have liked to sedate her.

The bleeding from the ears looked ominous. Head injury had to be ruled out first.

“Sister, tell the bystanders to come to my room.’

I told the sister as I walked out of the ER.

I felt furious.

It took about 20mts for someone to turn up. A middle aged bulky woman. She stood near the door.

‘Come, sit.’

‘No I’ll stand’.

‘No you sit.’

She sat.

‘Her sister?’

‘No, neighbor.’

‘Her husband?

‘The Police is searching for him.’

‘What happened?’

‘Her boy came and called me.’

‘Boy? How old?’

‘ 8yrs’

‘He was in tears. Told that his amma was hurt and crying. I went with him to see what had happened.’

I could feel her panic as she recounted what had happened.

‘ I didn’t find her in the house. Then I found her.. In the verandah at the back. She was lying on the steps leading to the backyard. ‘

‘Didn’t you hear anything?’

‘No.’

‘No?’

‘No, the TV was switched on in both the houses.’ She shifted her eyes
‘
Where is the child now?’

‘He wouldn’t come to my house. I left my kids with him’


‘Has this happened before?’

‘Don’t know.’

‘C’mon you must know.’
‘ Oh. Ok. Yes.’

‘You spoke to her about it?’

‘ No’

‘But why?’

‘It’s a personal matter. These things happen’

‘But you never discussed it?’

‘No’

‘She didn’t tell you anything too?’

‘No. She was a very quiet woman’

‘Quiet?

‘Yes. Quiet… Soft ... Timid… Shy… She never spoke about it to me. And I didn’t want to ask her’

‘What about the husband?’

‘ A good for nothing fellow. Drunkard…Involved in Petty crimes. Never gave her peace’ .She shuddered. ‘We avoided him, my husband and me.’


She rose up again. Eager to leave.

‘M’am I’ve to go. The kids are alone. They must be scared and hungry’

‘But some one should stay back.’

‘We have rung up to her father he is on the way.’

‘Where do they live?’

At Neendakara.... They are on the way..’ She repeated as if it was an excuse for her to leave.


‘I have to go. My husband will be here till they come’



‘Ok. Tell her father to meet me.’

The Causalty was busy that day. I got time to talk to her father only late in the night. A shriveled, defeated man. His shabby terlene shirt hung loosely around the frail old body.

‘Ganga’s father?’

‘Yes.’

‘You saw her?’

‘Yes’

‘Understood her condition?’

The sunken eyes beseeched me. The gaunt face looked tired and drawn.

‘Do you think she will survive?’

The softness in my voice made him jerk in pain.

‘To be frank I doubt it.’ I persisted.

I knew that I was driving the arrow in his heart deeper. But I had to be open in this hopeless case.’

‘We will try for the best. . But...’ I left my voice trailing.

Yes I had to be open. Her reports had come
.
She had fractured skull. Intra cranial bleed, ruptured spleen, fractured ribs and Contusion in her lungs.
There were cigarette burns on her cornea.

She was already in coma .It was highly unlikely that she would survive.

‘You know what happened?’

‘Yes.’

‘ You know that she was often being battered?’

‘Yes.’

‘Yes?’ I couldn’t keep my anger out of my voice.

‘ Yes. I know that her suffering started the day she married him. She would come to my house and weep’

‘First it was for dowry. Then a scooter. Then whenever he had problems
He was involved in petty crimes. Didn’t have a proper job.’

‘Was she admitted before?’

‘Yes twice.’

He wouldn’t look at me.

‘Once with a twisted arm and once with fracture ribs.’

‘You never reported it to the police?’


‘No’



‘He told he would set fire to her body. Pour acid on her face.’

He paused for a moment and looked into my eyes as if it was a confession.. Then he continued.

‘Last month she came to my house. She refused to go back to him.

‘It was I who convinced her to go back.’ The old man started to shake.

‘You convinced her? Why?’

‘I told her that she must go back to her family.’

I felt the nausea rise up my gut again.


‘Family?’

‘Yes. Her husband and kid’


‘But why?’ I didn’t ask that but it my silence did.

‘My Ganga was a timid girl. I felt that she wouldn’t be able to manage alone. Who take care of her after my death? ? But she has left before me… I can’t bear this…!

He started to sob again.

‘Ok ok.’ please calm down.’ What has happened has happened. You did what you felt was the best for her. Don’t torture yourself... Please. ‘

My heart went out to the old man. I could feel his deep pain. His regret... His guilt.

‘Take some food and try to get some sleep. I’ll tell sister to give you a mild tranquilizer.’

That was all I had to offer him.

Also, I too was tired and hungry. I needed some rest badly.

Quiet. Soft... Timid… Shy..

The words kept resounding in my ears, as I lay sleepless.

Quiet.. Soft…. Timid.. Shy...

Ganga didn’t pass the night. She died during the early hours of dawn.


Quiet ,Soft, Timid, Shy , Ganga.

The words often used to describe a woman


High time it is changed to Bold. Spunky and Smart …

And of course ‘Self-sufficient...’

Sailing..

“To tack a boat, to sail a zigzag course is not to deny our destination or destiny. Just the opposite.

Its to recognize the obstacles that stand between ourselves and where we want to go, and then to maneuver with patience and fortitude making most of each leg of our journey, until we reach our landfall.

The seasoned sailor stays on the same tack as long as it appears to b advantageous and then at the appropriate moment, pushes the tiller towards the sail and swiftly changes direction.
Each separate tack calls for a major readjustment. The bow moves across the face of the wind. The sail swings from one side of the sloop to the other. Helmsman and mate shift position. The land looms from a different quarter.

But if the maneuver is handled fluently, the boat continues to surge ahead with a minimum loss of momentum.

In due course we arrive, if it can be said that we ever fully arrive. The truth is that there are destinations beyond destinations and so the confirmed sailor goes on tacking for ever.”

-Richard bode( First you have to row a little boat)

I'v just finished reading this little book. It’s full of wisdom beautifully told by a sailor with years of experience sailing his blue sloop. He writes about similarities between sailing and living.
I wanted to share the book with you all. Plz read it.

Angel

I was tagged by Geets..

There are 3 rules.

Rule 1. Same as for the last tag

Rule 2 You must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.

Rule 3. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog

I dont have a middle nam.. naturaly I choose 'Angel'

Accomplishment-The satisfaction at the end, for my efforts..

Scanning through the newspaper held in trembling fingers. Seeing my my no:in the list of those who got admission to MBBScourse.. Feeling the bolt of pleasure and excitement explode. Turning and grinning at my mom.. Watching happiness floods and ripples her face as the realization dawns..

The first glimpse of my babies sleeping in my moms arms bundelled in a soft shawl.. Marveling at their petal soft cheeks and curly eyelashes

A patient’s smile when I tell him that he is healed and can be discharged...

A spotlessly spring cleaned house..

The boys gobbling up 'palappam and mutton stew' cooked to perfection..

The first bloom of a jasmine creeper planted ,watered and nurtured by my own hands..

The first glimpse of every new post in this blog..

Nature- My greatest love. The magic the horizons promise.. The soft breeze that knows me intimately.. The serene green meadows dotted with wild flowers. Lazy white clouds of the blue blue summer sky..Ethearal mist floating down a sleeping valley.. Full moon nights. The song of the rain. The silence of the stars..

Nature can sooth me when nothing else can..

Grave stone-A stone put upright on a grave showing the name etc of the person buried there. The sum total of all my dreams, efforts and agonies will be summarized there.. In a very few words.

Energy- My basic necessity.. to work, play and love.. With passion..

Learning-Yea I keep learning.. To trust.. To forgive.. to share.. to let go ..to slowdown... to keep silent or to talk.. To laugh.. or to not laugh.

I leave the tag open.. anyone who wish to do it is welcome.. its very rewarding.. I enjoyed doing it..

txs geets..!!

Human Nature.

Silvie had tagged me a few weeks back. Maybe she has forgotten about it having posted several posts after the tag …

Sorry for the delay silvie,I didn’t get time . I am sure you will forgive this busy woman-doc-friend for the delay.

:))

I enjoyed doing it because human beings always interest me. Also it made me go back and remember the people I love and respect and the ones who have pained me.

FirstI have to name those I wish will take up the tag.

I tag the following people.

1. mm
2. abc
3 .adorable pancreas
4. cool-alien- frm- mars
5. di

I wish to get to know you better sweet hearts..!!

:))

The second part of the tag is about the "Kinds of People I Judge"

I know that I am not supposed to judge others. But being human, I do judge some kinds of human nature.

1. Suck ups-People who suck up to relatives and colleagues with lot of money and social status and look down on people who are not that lucky. In general, people who believe that those with more money and social status is “superior’ to others.

2. People who bring religion, castism and groupism to their work place

3. Manipulators - people who try to manipulate the emotions of others. They use kindness, goodness, guilt, greed, envy, lust, gluttony, and pride, of their fellow human beings to get their way.

4. Those who don’t keep their promises. Some may even give false promise to get their way. It makes you lose your trust in them.

5. Goody goodies and hypocrites

The third part of the tag is about "People and Things I admire" (The best part I think)

1. People with physical handicaps or chronic disease, who get on with a positive attitude. There was this doctor who did PG with me. He was struck by polio while doing his ‘plus one’. He had been a state cricket team player before that. His one leg was paralyzed and he walked with a limp using braces. Also had severe back pain on and off.

I always admired the way he used to join in all the fun never drawing attention to his disability. He was always smartly dressed and smiling calmly. His presentations, depth of knowledge, and language skill were excellent. I always admired the dignified the way he handled his disability.

2. Women who are successful professionally but always prizing their tenderness their feminity. Women who successfully balance their carrier and home. Who can exercise control over their male subordinates firmly softly and effortlessly. I once had a lady boss like that.. she used to be so soft, but firm and clear as to what she wanted. I loved the time I worked with her.

3. People who are disciplined and organized in an effortless manner. Wonder if I will ever be that..

:(

4. People with a positive regard to everything in life and malice to none. Those who live happily whatever their circumstances are making the best of whatever they have

5. People who can get across their message frankly, simply and pleasantly without hurting others..

6. People who can make others laugh a lot. ( And silvie dear, U lead the rest…!!)

:))

A date with the past..

A date with the past..!

Tomorrow I will meet faces long forgotten..

The Friends..The enemies.. The bullies.. The buffoons… The snobs..

I’ll be hugged and pulled back to the past..

We will share what we were, those days.

We will also celebrate what we have become..

But most of all I will meet her.

After a long long time..

A tall skinny girl wearing a starched cotton sari and a white coat. Her huge eyes are lined with kajal.. There is a huge red bindhi on her forehead..

She is walking into the medical college with wonder and pride..

She is to become a doc..!

I can see her rushing from one lecture hall to the next. Chatting and giggling with her friends

Sharing the lower half of a female body with five others.. To cut open , dissect and study the human body, in and out..

Making friends with a bag of bones, the grinning skull given permanent space on her study table.. and wondering if the whole set belongs to the same person..

Recording the action potentials on a rotating drum as the pithed frog convulses desperately..

There she is.. walking to the hostel in the hot sun, blushing as she hears the cat calls from the Male House Surgeon’s quarters..

Sitting and reading in the hostel verandah late into the night..

Walking into the ward and examining a patient.. Embarrassed as the rest of the ward sits and watches her..

Watching the autopsy of a nine year old.. And running out of the autopsy room to retch her guts out..

Walking alone through the dark, sleeping ward to a patient gasping his last breath. Then waiting for ten minutes after the pupils are fully dialated and fixed.. to be sure.. before certifying the death..

Watching the bloodshed and trauma of a normal delivery for the first time and wanting to see mom immediately..

Walking out of the medical college thinking that she owns the medical field only to realize that she has to start from the scratch. Carve out her own path..

That only experience will teach her that the patient’s trust is the greatest compliment and her greatest responsibility.. That the way she talks to the patient is as important as the drugs she prescribes..

That she has to fix her priorities. Find out her own definition of success..

Her own definition of happiness..

I will hug and kiss that skinny girl with the huge bindhi..

I will hug her tight and pat her on her back..

Tell her to move ahead with smiles..

With hope in her heart and love in her soul..

Counting her blessing..

With grit, perseverance and wisdom..

With the confidence that..

Whatever happens she will emerge a winner..!