Advice

The room was silent and dimlight. The doors and the windows shut. She was alone.

The nurse lifted the net that hung over the bed so that I could examine her.

40% burns.
8 weeks old.

The upper body was exposed. The skin was charred. Cracking and peeling, exposing raw, oozing areas. She had no hair, eyebrows, nor nipples. Contractures were developing on her neck.pulling her lower lip,sticking it to her chin. Exposing her teeth.

Her ears were burnt out.
I called her name. She opened her eyes.
Pain, agony, loneliness and despair stared back at me. Filled her eyes and poured out as tears.
‘How are you?’ I smiled at her. ‘Slept last night?’
I was seeing her for the first time, doing my routine rounds before breaking off from night duty.

Words poured out.
“Sever pain… Itching…Cant sleep… No appetite.. I am fed up… I want to go home.”

I didn’t know what to say.

“My kids are having exams today. She started to weep.”

“Gosh!
She was in deep despair. She needed tremendous psychological support to carry her through her despair and the deep agony that lay ahead.

I had to say something.

“Take it as a test for your resilience… your patience… your strength…”

I smiled at her again.

“ Bear it for some more time.”

She stared at me as if I had gone mad.

“Testing? Suffering? Patience? It has been nearly two months.”

“ I know, but maybe you have to suffer a little while more.”

She kept staring at me as if I didn’t know what I was talking about.

“Accept it. Amma, that is the only way. “

I smiled back softly. I felt like hell. I knew that I must sound like a supercilious bitch with superfluous advice.


True. I knew nothing about what I was talking about. I couldn’t even imagine the extent of pain, suffering, loneliness and despair that she was going through.

I didn’t even have the time, the patience or the energy to sit with her for some more time.

I had more patients to see. Finish my work fast and be home before my boys left for the exam.

My neck felt stiff and sore after the sleepless night. I had to soothe it.

My neck, which had troubled, nagged, pained, frustrated,disheartened and despaired me for the past 6 weeks.

Yes, what right did I have to talk to her about resilience, about patience ?

It was rumored that hers had been a suicide attempt.

Suicide?

A mother with two kids?

I couldn’t imagine it.

But what could I advice her?

After all, Who am I to judge ?

The Magician

‘Outstanding is the new normal and the unthinkable, sheer simplicity!’

At least, it is when Federer is around. He is a stage performer in a play where he writes his own script. A big, well defined tournament, where results reflect not only mastery of the game, but also tests the deep depths of human toughness and endurance. A grand slam tennis tournament. Tough for all, except for Federer that is. He just goes on to win it without dropping a set. As simple as that! The fact that he was not at his best makes it all the more scary. Therein lies the mystique of the man.

In such ambiguous times, the Nadals and Roddicks are not the archenemy, although broadcasters will play up or even come up with a rivalry if need be. In actuality, they are mere props for Federer to showcase his talents. Even as he is annihilating people and bringing them down to their knees, he has a smile on his face and gives a pat on the back afterwards. A sportsman.

Nothing stirs a tennis fan like seeing a cross-court half volley taken in the run by Federer for the opponent can do little but gaze in awe with his eyes wide open. The greatness of the man for me doesn’t lie in the number of matches he wins, but the manner in which he wins them as if he were just killing a fly. Magical.

Today is the day of the sportsman who has more endorsements and fan support. And they will go to any extent to get the same. A player is how he is presented. Anything that comes loose and unpackaged is viewed by the public mainly with condescension and is summarily dismissed. Effect of the media. Not the case with Federer. He commands respect with his game and not by praising the fans. However, the media has been helpful. As Federer his himself said after winning the 2007 Australian Open grand slam,

“Nobody would know how good my forehand was,
if I hadn’t been playing every match on center court.”

A proof of the phenomenon that is Roger Federer. No theatrics. Just the game.

Some believe that Roddick, Nadal and the like are good enough to spring a few surprises. Maybe. But that is all. To even dare to dream about more is not just hypocrisy. Its humour. Roddick’s strokes are powerful but lacks consistency. Nadal’s form is a wave of ups and downs. Yes. Federer is in a league of his own. The kind of leagues of Schumacher and Tiger woods in their respective sports. That few is the number of such leagues in this generation of world sport. Only Bjorg and Sampras can run him close in the open era.

As his opponents try to catch up, the gap seems to widen even more. While they are foraging for scraps of hope, Federer might want to take a break to make tennis a more fair sport. But for now, all that can be done is to keep on trying. Federer might just make an error. Wishful thinking, maybe. Just try and hope for the best. What else could possible be done in this unfair world.

-Gautam

Well, that was my son Gautam.

:))

I was not well for the past one month. Cervical disc disease. Had to undergo rest, physiotherapy and pain. It is said that doctors are the worst patients. It was true in my case. It was a pretty bad one. Kept imagining all the worst possibilities. Prayer centered and consoled me a lot.

I am better now. Will b joining duty tomorrow. I wont b blogging actively for the next 6 weeks.

Love and hugs. Miss you all.

See you later.

:))

Best Wishes..

I sat in the car waiting for the class to be over. It was getting late than usual..Prof M.J’s drone could be heard faintly through the mike. I felt happy that we had chosen this place for Gautam’s entrance coaching.

Expensive yes. Strict too.. But Gautam liked it. And the timings were ok

I remembered those long lost days... Preparing for admission in the med school. Reading… re-reading. Writing…. As if life depended on it...Tutions..Tests..

It had not been so easy for us...

My parents had supported. Vaguely.

Now it was different. Parents put their entire life on hold those two years. Taking the kids to tuitions and coaching centers. In the wee hours of morning. Or late night… the city roads unsafe even for boys to travel alone during such odd hours.


We had chosen this place cos of two reasons. One, Gautam liked it. And two, the timings were ok.

5.pm to 9pm three days in a week. At least the family could sleep..!!

I gazed around. Parents stood in groups. Chatting. Some like me preffered the solitude in their cars.. cherishing the time alone. Lost in their thoughts. Listening to music.

The wind blew in playing with my tendrils. My cheeks felt cold. The December air was misty. Chilly.

I switched on the FM station.

‘Maniyara deepam ananjal pinna karimizhi random nanayaruthe..’
I listened idly as KJ yesudas crooned deeply. The lover was consoling and strengthening his departing beloved. He was begging her... to never permit her deep dark eyes to be wet once the lantern was dimmed on her nuptial night.

I sighed. and leaned back on my seat.

That was when I noticed her. She stood in the shadows. Close to the wall of a house, a few meters ahead. She wore a purple nylon sari. The borders draped tightly… Suggestively… Over her bulges. Her hair was teased into tendrils around her face and loosely plaited,decorated with jasmine flowers. Her lips were painted blood red.

She looked …well….. Ready for action..

I watched riveted as I saw car lights coming up the street. She too saw it and stepped out from the shadows. Her movements controlled. Sure.
The car moved ahead without slowing down.

She coiled back into the shadows with equal ease.


I watched her. Fascinated. Curious. I wish I could talk to her but didn’t dare to.

How did you land up here in the shadows? Ready to sell the softness of your skin. The lushness of your curves. The skill of your lips…?

I wanted to know.

Innocence? Desperation..? Pure greed…?

Do you dread tonight? Or are you just not bothered? Seasoned by your past. Hardened by practice. Shrouded by numbness.

I could see her talking rapidly into her cell. I remembered reading somewhere that life was easier for them with the advent of cell phones. They could do their own networking now..

Do you have dreams..? I wanted to know. Will your kid hate you?

Why does everyone hate you..?

The sound of engines starting up woke me from my thoughts.

The class was over. Boys and girls were coming out chattering loudly. I sat wand watched mutely as she lurked back into the shadows again.. Eager to escape from the car beams.

Why was hr car not coming? Maybe he was waiting for everyone to leave….

Maybe he was parked among us.


‘Mama…!!’

The doors opened and shut forcefully as Gautam and his two friends clambered in noisily

‘Lock the doors.’

I orderd mechanically, Starting the engine

I glanced at her as we moved ahead. She was burying herself into the shadows. Her back to me. her pallav covering her body...

I kept watching her through the rearview mirror.


“Goodbye..Hope your car comes soon. Hope he is good to you. “

I wished silently..



I thought about her again as I drifted off to sleep that night.

“Where are you now..?”


‘Maniyara deepam ananjal pinna karimizhi random nanayaruthe”

“I know that you are not doing this for yourself.” I wanted to tell her.


“Enjoy baby…”

“Continue your good work.”

Positive thinking for prostitutes..!!!.

I smiled sleepily.

If you are bold enough..

"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life

-St Francis of Assisi

I love this small prayer. It acts as an internal compas helping me to direct my thoughts,relationships and actions..

St. Francis' prayer is a bold one, asking for strength to give of ourselves to meet the needs of others.


Of course I often find myself falling short .. But it sort of inspires me to try to do better..

He is one of the saints I adore cos of his beautiful thoughts, focus on peace , his love for animals, birds and the enviornment..

So if you're bold enough, pray the prayer.

:))

Pandora's Box

Spend the whole morning cleaning up my cupboard.

Omg ..!! It took me hours.

What’s wrong with me..? The clothes, cosmetics and junk jewelry I have wasted my precious time, money and energy to buy senselessly and hoard for years is amazing.

Why don’t I realize that shimmer and glimmer on the face only suits models on magazine covers?

That jeweled bidhis make me look silly and decked up.

That chunky ethnic jewelry I buy from handicraft shops looks so garish and gaudy on me that I finally just push it back after wasting time contemplating whether I should wear it with my handlooms.

They only make me resemble Protima Bedi on a bad day.


That bohemian style doesn’t suit my looks personality or my lifestyle.

That jeweled stilettos are only good to look at. They are h horrible to wear esp in evenings.

That organza makes me look fat. Organdie pricks my skin.

That drop earrings and huge hoops only make me feel my age. I would look foolish in them.

What makes me buy all thee things. Which of the seven vices..?

Is it greed? Or pride.?

Why don’t I realize that I will never use these things?

They give me some pleasure when I buy it.

But they are hardly used and just serve the purpose of irritating me. Cluttering my cupboard.

Making me realize that my lifestyle is too busy for all these things.. That I am getting old. ..


I should realize that I am a mature woman . A busy professional juggling her home and career.
That I should have a vision about the my lifestyle, personality and choices when I shop.

That I always end up wearing the same few soft simple snug handloom churidars with white Kurthas and shawls, tiny elegant jewelry and soothing light silks in mild shades that makes me feel feminine...

That my feet only tolerate soft, cushioned, snug footwear.

That all I need and use is a good cleanser, toner , moisturizer , a coral pink lipstick and mascara and a tiny black bindhi. And of course a perfume..

I was ruthless this time. Removed all the ‘hardly worn' clothes, cosmetics and footwear.. To be handed out to those who will use them, enjoy them..

And I have taken a resolution that I will only buy what I really need and use..

I will simplify my life..

Wish I could do it with my thoughts, emotions and relationships too..

Shut up..!!

“I hate it when you open your mouth.”
( angry and insulting)

“I TOO hate it when you TOO open your mouth.”
(Angry, insulted ,eager to strike back)

“Shut up! Both of you.. Don’t start in the morning itself..!!”
(loud and commanding)

:))

Snippets of conversation I heard from inside a hut during my morning walk today.. An old woman lives there with her son and daughter-in-law.

I couldn’t help agreeing with her..

We all have this tendency to score and win during our arguments.

We use hostility, rudeness, sarcasm, finger pointing and idle threats, to win at any cost..

We even bring up unrelated issues from the past..

These only serve the purpose of only hurting the other person.. destroying relationships..

The basic issue is often never addressed..

Let us avoid the instantaneous 'tit for tat' responses..

Let us try to solve the problem in a clear and honest manner.. Present our point of view respecting and validating the feelings of the other person..

Let us be conciliatory.. Reasonable..

It is always better to avoid emotive statements isnt it..?

Let us not jump into conclusions before the other person finishes speaking.. Let us face the facts with an open mind without trying to interpret (often wrongly) the other persons motive..

Maybe we need time to cool down before the discussion..

If so , let us shut up, hold out tongue, grit our teeth and if possible keep smiling..!

:))

Heart of a flower..

“When we look deeply into the heart of a flower, we see clouds, sunshine, minerals, time, the earth and everything in the cosmos in it. Without clouds there could be no rain, and without rain there would be no flowers..”

- [Thich Nhat Hanh]

Yes..! The heart of a flower.. One of the most beautiful things in this world..

Thank you jaguu for clicking this pix for me... Meeting you on that clouded afternoon was a lovely experience..


Ps. He is exactly as I had imagined him to be

:))


Well built.. and Rugged in a Tee-shirt the color of this flower..

Gentle brown eyes..

Sweet.. Sensitive.. Soft-spoken .. Unassuming..

Exactly the kind of young man I would love my boys to grow up to be..

Acceptance..

THIS IS HOW IT IS.. NOT HOW IT

Was..
Might have been..
Should have been..

NOT HOW

I wanted it to be..
Hoped it would be..
Planned it would be..

I ACCEPT THAT THIS IS HOW IT IS.

Now I get on with my life..

-[auther unknown]

When our our life experiences are not matching with our ‘shoulds’..
When situations are plain unfair, but there is nothing we can do to change them...
When the perfectly rational decision is to let it go..

Blogging and me..

Alexis is one of the real gems I found in the blogworld and I feel that it is apt that it is he who tagged me to write about my blogging..

so here I go..

1. Are you happy/satisfied with your blog, with its content and look? Does your family know about your blog?

Yes I am quite satisfied. However I would love to add more pictures preferably taken by me.
Yes my family knows about my blog. Hubby dear and my boys seem to have a love - hate relation ship with it.
:))

2. Do you feel embarrassed to let your friends know about your blog or you just consider it as a private thing?

Only a very few close friends know about it. And I prefer it that way. For obvious reasons

3. Did blogs cause positive changes in your thoughts?

Sure. It has opened a lovely word where smart, intelligent and caring people voice their inner most thoughts and share their emotions and experiences.. Definitely this wonderful world has made positive changes in my thoughts. Positive changes in ‘me’.


4. Do you only open the blogs of those who comment on your blog or you love to go and discover more by yourself?

There are some blogs I love to visit regularly.. They keep my blogging going. I also try to visit those who comment on my blog as well as go blog hopping too. Depends on the free time I get. Which is really very little..


5.What does visitors counter mean to you?Do you care about putting it in your blog?

Yes I have put visitor's counter in my blog.. It is interesting to go through the reports and analyze them.. It sort of motivates me..


6. Did you try to imagine your fellow bloggers and give them real pictures?

Yes. That’s part of the fun of blogging.. you get to know people from their words, their emotions, and their comments.. It sort of builds up and as time passes and slowly you have an image of the person..
In the real world it is the other way round isnt it..?
I don’t know why, but creating an image for each blogger like putting a jigsaw puzzle together , gives me a thrill.. Also I believe that this image will be a true one



7. Admit. Do you think there is a real benefit for blogging?

Yes there is a real benefit
It has offered me connection and bonding with some special people , widened my horizons and has given me the pleasure of being the part of a warm wonderful community..


8. Do you think that bloggers society is isolated from real world or interacts with events?

Never..!! It reflects the inner world of the people living in the ‘real ‘ outer world.. and I have always believed that the inner world is the true world..

9. Does criticism annoy you or do you feel it’s a normal thing?

Criticism both positive and negative is normal and expected.. positive criticism encourages me.. I feel that there should be more frank positive criticism..
Negative criticism.. Well..it disturbs me .. For a few days.. Though I try to ignore it..


10. Do you fear some political blogs and avoid them?

I don’t fear or avoid them.. I am not much interested in them too..



11. Did you get shocked by the arrest of some bloggers?

No. It is to be expected I suppose..


12. Did you think about what will happen to your blog after you die?

Hmm.. I have thought about it.. It will die with me ..

But I expect hubby dear to put up a notice in my blog that I am no more so that my dear buddies are at least kept informed about it..
:(

13. What do you like to hear? What’s the song you might like to put a link to in your blog?

I love melodies..soft sweet ones..

This blog is an expression of the goodness I would like to cultivate within me and share with others..
I read this poem by Wordsworth as a fourteen year old and was instantly hooked .. This is my ideal woman. This I what I would love to be.. And I would love to put this poem a link to this blog


She Was a Phantom of Delight

She was a phantom of delight
When first she gleamed upon my sight;
A lovely Apparition, sent
To be a moment's ornament;
Her eyes as stars of Twilight fair;
Like Twilight's, too, her dusky hair;
But all things else about her drawn
From May-time and the cheerful Dawn;
A dancing Shape, an Image gay,
To haunt, to startle, and way-lay.

I saw her upon a nearer view,
A Spirit, yet a Woman too!
Her household motions light and free,
And steps of virgin liberty;
A countenance in which did meet
Sweet records, promises as sweet;
A Creature not too bright or good
For human nature's daily food;
For transient sorrows, simple wiles,
Praise, blame, love, kisses, tears and smiles.

And now I see with eye serene
The very pulse of the machine;
A Being breathing thoughtful breath,
A Traveler between life and death;
The reason firm, the temperate will,
Endurance, foresight, strength, and skill;
A perfect Woman, nobly planned,
To warm, to comfort, and command;
And yet a Spirit still, and bright,
With something of angelic light.


Thank you alexis.. Doing this tag was a beautiful experience.. cos I was writing about something that i hold dear to my heart..


PS. That is the pix of the blooming 'arali' in my garden.. thats how blogging has brightened my life..

Good News..!!

It is good news my dear sweethearts..I clarified it from the police myself..
:))
The boy was handed over to his parents.. The goondas were kept under police custody for a few days and released..
It seems the boys family had to payback some loan.. The police has told them to pay it back as early as possible..
So..
Three cheers to our cops..!!
And three cheers and hugs to our dasappen who did score..!!
:))