Monday, November 30, 2009


Death stared at me.

Her whole system was failing.. It was obvious.

Death was in the room already.. I could hear it in her rattling breath.. Her clammy skin..Her sunken eyes.

Her gaunt body was struggling to take in the oxygen through the mask.. Her hands and feet were cold and clammy.. But it was the eyes .. The tortured sunken eyes that gazed around.. Beseeching solace.. That struck me with the knowledge....I know that eyes.. seen it before..
I would be certifying her death before sunrise.. I was sure.

I examined her..

Oh I knew her history.. HIV positive.. Her husband had presented it before he passed away.. Leaving her two kids with her. 8yr old girl and six year old boy.

Both kids were HIV negative.... "Thank god..!!" Her brother who was looking after them now proudly told me that. "The kids are negative..!"Even before I asked about it..

She had been on treatment for past two years... But she had developed cancer.. Aggressive type.. Rare in women of 35yrs.. but expected in HIV positive cases.

"We want to take her home .. to Palghat .. now" Her brother told me..

"But how?""Her condition is too bad."

"She wants to see her kids now." Please refer her to a hospital at Palghat.

"But Palghat is too far off.. at least ten hours.. something may happen on the way."

"Yes. But it will happen even if we don't take her."

"But her condition is too bad. She wont survive the long road journey"

"What will you do if something happens on the way?"

"We will take her to some hospital."

"I cant permit it. Her condition is too bad."

" She wants to see her kids ."

"Then bring them here."

"There is no one to bring them."

"We want to take her."

"Well i cant permit it. I will not refer her in this condition. You get disharged against medical advice." I said walking off.

I wouldnt be a part to it. what if something happened on the way. our hospital and I could be blamed.. these were sensitive issues..

Me the woman and mom could understand them but me the doc couldnt support it.

They left.

I prayed that she should see her kids.. Nothing should happen on the way..

But she was sinking.. i knew it..

Ragini died half an hour before they reached home.

She couldn't see her kids.

Maybe I shouldn't have discharged her against medical advice.. Maybe I should have refered her.. In a fully equipped ambulance with nurse accompanying them .. .There had been no resources for all that..But maybe I should have tried harder and somehow done it..

Maybe then she would have survived half an hour more.. and she would have seen her kids..

I dont know..


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Some people walk in the rain.. others just get wet.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

My sweet little honey bee..

I don’t know what was it that woke me up.. I sat up in the bed and checked the time.



‘ I needed bit more sleep..!!!’

I snuggled back ..Tossing and turning.. Trying to relax..

But no.. I couldn’t..

Something niggled at the back of my mind.

I raised the curtain and peered out of the window. There was nothing.. Only the pre dawn darkness outside..

Oh yes..! I remembered..

It must have been the mild worry of Gautam’s trip

My son’s first trip Malayatoor Church and back. I checked the time again his train would be leaving soon.. He would get down at Angamaly. Find a bus to Malayattor.. Climb the hill alone.. Pray at the St. Thomas church and return.

He would be back only at ten night..

He had already slept last night when I reached home..

Your money for the trip is on the table.. I has whispered and he had nodded sleepily without opening his eyes lest his sleep be disturbed.

The mom in me had to call him. Even though he had told me not to.

‘Yes?’ He sounded grouchy

‘Where are you?’

‘On the second platform.’

‘Has the train come?’

‘No. Announced’

‘Don’t let your bag out of your sight.’


‘Don’t talk to strangers.’


‘I’ll call in between’

‘No don’t call.’

‘Ok then sms me or miss cal me if there is anything’


‘Edaaa… wish me Happy Birthday’


‘You forgot??’

No. Happy birthday. The train is coming. Bye’

‘Hmmm. Boys..!!’

‘It is in such moments I wish I had a girl.. ‘

I couldn’t sleep again.

Self pity washed over me.

Hubby was in some happy dreamland..

I decided to get up.. Could do with some quiet time in the silent house.. Some self reflection.. Some time to pray.. A leisurely cup of tea.. I walked downstairs.. Taj was also sleeping.. grateful for one day without his morning tuition.


The light was left on in the dining room… he must have forgotten to off it in the hurry..

I walked into the kitchen.. ‘Earl gray tea today’ I told myself..

I made a pot. Set a tray with my fav linen , cup and saucer and a plate of cookies.

Yes!!! Happy birthday to me…!!!

I walked into the lighted dining hall singing ‘Happy birthday to you Anu…!!!’

I stopped in my track

On the table was a gift wrapped parcel..!

On the top of it an envelope

I took the envelope first

On it Gautam has scrawled..

To my mother who is always an eight year old girl at heart.

You are so special , your birthday happens to be mother’s day

I opened the envelope inside it was a card with a smiling honey bee prancing around flowers . I read.

"This sweet little honey bee is here to tell you mom that you make our home a special place to come back to always.


I opened the parcel.

Inside it was a teddy with an adoring smile and a huge pink heart with ‘MUM’ embroidered across it !!!

My eyes moistened.. I dialed his no: .. No he had told me not to call during his first adventure trip alone.. I texted instead.