Sunday, October 09, 2005
In depressed patients there is a deficiency of certain chemicals in the brain.. These 'feel good factors' or endorphins are released in the body after brisk walking, exercise, dancing etc.
But severely depressed patients don’t feel like moving their bodies.
Maybe it was the overenthusiasm of a novice… The idealism of a fresher.. Maybe I wanted to achieve quick results and impress Dr Gidwani.. Maybe the madness around me had rubbed off on me too..
I decided to take Ullas and Lekha the two patients with depression for brisk walking daily..
I introduced them to one another but they didn’t even bother to look at each other.
So off we would go. Along the winding paths in the campus.. On the mountainside.. I would chat to them.. About the birds we saw.. My mom.. My medical school.. My fiancé...
I don’t know if they were listening to me .. They never responded.
After the walk we would sit in my fav spots enjoying the silence..
A month passed.. I hadn’t made any progress..
Then one day something happened.
I was walking a little ahead of them talking non stop. Suddenly I head them giggling..Usualy there was only a complete silence between them..
I was amazed..!
I turned back. They both stared back at me wide eyed and innocent.. The giggling had stopped. Wondering what was going on I turned back and continued to walk
Again the giggling..! I was about to turn back when I felt a tuft of my hair being pulled..!
I was being teased by my mad patients..! What sort of a psychiatrist would I make..?!
I felt furious..!!!.
I turned back and saw Ullas standing just behind me.. He was holding a butterfly in his hand.. Lekha was jumping with joy as he placed the butterfly on her out stretched hand.
Both their faces were glowing. There were stars in their eyes.
I had the breakthrough I wanted!!!
The butterfly flew away but the animation stayed. For the first time I saw a smile on their faces.. For the first time all the three of us were happy together..
I was excited.!!
I started taking them for walks regularly.. I tried to push them together whenever time permitted.
I am guilty.
I was slow to notice the love that bloomed between them..
I never imagined a love of that fervor would develop between them.. I didn’t know that love of that ardor existed.. In novels and movies yes.. But not in real life.. And never among two people didn’t who even know their own names..
Besides that I was too busy.. Clinical meetings.. Ward work.. Presentations..
One morning I was returning to my room after attending to one patient.. It was about 6. Am.I entered the common room to collect some notes I had kept there.
I stood shocked at the sight…
Ullas was sitting with his back on the wall and sleeping.. Lekha was curled up on the ground with her head on his lap. Their hands were clasped loosely even in their drugged sleep..
I should have put an end to it then and there..
I am guilty again..
Maybe I was a romantic fool.. Maybe I thought love would transform them. Maybe I wasn’t tough enough..
I was bewitched by the fervor of their love.. Their anguish on separation.. Their absolute tranquility on being together..
But what was a miracle for me was a joke for the rest of the world.. It was adultery.. It was a mad desire..
Soon I was the laughing stock of the hospital..
(To be continued)